Miracles and Regrets

I had somewhat of a miracle this week, but I also have a regret that I didn't find this sooner. I have been putting off applying for disability for years. I've also been in financial difficulties for years, and unable to move into my own place. Now part of this is my fault, I admit. I have not worked as hard or as smart as I could have. I have not appreciated what I had, but always looked for something better. At times, I have put myself in a mindset that if I couldn't be paid what I wanted to be paid, I just wouldn't work. Those are all deadly ways to think, and easy ways to destroy your life.

My Miracle and My Regrets

This week, as I wrote in my last post, I discovered that I have been eligible for over $600 a month in Social Security benefits since I was 60. Now $600 a month probably sounds like a pittance to some of you, and most of you earn at least that and a lot more every week, but it is a windfall to me. I live so frugally that $600 a month would pay my rent and part of my utilities. If I had known about this benefit, I would have applied for it sooner, but I didn't, so I've lost almost two years of benefits. In short, I could have been out of here and into my own place a long, long time ago.

I hurt myself and my roommate by not applying for disability two years ago and finding out about this money I am entitled to. She has really been good about not tossing me out in the streets when I could not pay all of the rent, so with all the aggravations we cause each other, she has been my biggest blessing.

Pride Goeth Before a Fall

I'm really angry at myself for not applying for disability sooner. My own pride has cost me thousands of dollars, which is why I wrote my last post to let people know about a benefit they might be eligible for and not know about. I know everything happens for a reason, and maybe I was meant to stay here this long, but when I think about that cute little cottage in Gainesville that I had to pass up last year because of my son's wedding, and that I could have been there if I had only had that $600+ a month, it makes me ill.

So now I'm in a situation where that $600 won't save me, because it takes a few months to get it. I probably won't get my first payment until I am already out of here. I have to work hard enough to save enough to move by May 1 at the latest. I have no idea if I will be able to do that, but I'm going to try very, very hard. Once I get to where I'm going, the pressure will be off.

Miracles and Blessings Take Work Sometimes

That is where the miracle comes in. I will finally be able to get my cute little cottage in Gainesville and live the way I want, because my rent will be paid. If I go with the 400sf cottage, the rent and utilities will be paid. I will finally be able to devote the time I would have had to spend working to earn the rent on building my blogs. I will have time to garden, grow my own food, take long walks and bike rides. The miracle that $600+ a month gives me is the miracle of TIME.

Blessings in Disguise and Lessons Learned

Blessings are everywhere, but sometimes we have to do something to receive them. I believe that having me in her house, not able to pay the full rent, was a blessing to my roommate too. She used to be the type that spent every penny that came in. Money "burned a hole in her pocket," as my Daddy used to say, which means it just disappears and you don't know where it goes. She always said she could not live on what she brought in every month, which was $1600 net, a very liveable wage for most of us. She also saw that she needed to stop using her charge cards to go on spending sprees for things she did not need. Now, maybe, she will be able to start saving money instead of spending. Or maybe, once she has a roommate who can pay regularly, she will go right back to her spendaholic ways. Who knows? But she knows she CAN live on less, so maybe that's why the universe made me stay here, so she could learn something from me.

From living here, I have learned to hold my tongue a lot. Not everything you think needs to be said. I also learned that I still need people to leave me alone when I tell them to, and that if they keep coming at me, I can be horribly cruel. Well, maybe they just learn to go away when I tell them that if they don't, I'm going to hurt them. I don't seem to be able to control that, but not many people can. We all have a point where we snap and our evil side takes over.

So I don't know where I'm going with this now, but I hope someone gets something out of it. I'll end here with this admonition: if you have been putting something off for a long, long time because of pride, just do it. You never know what miracle may come out of it.